Aberro Specus

I think this might be the most twisted one yet. Yes that’s right folks, a new short. Once again it’s the same character (I should probably name the sodding bastard, but you know what… no) and a new adventure for him. This one is a little different. In the first short I went detail heavy, dialog light. In number two, I did the opposite. This one is a bit of both. Enjoy!

The rain splatters against the sidewalk as I step out under the awning of the hotel. The bellhop gives me a curious look as I brush chalk dust off of my jacket and pull out a cigarette. I fumble open my black zippo, but the bastard refuses to light.

“Excuse me, do you have a light kind sir?” I ask the bellhop.

“No, I don’t.”

“Ah well… Oh, do you happen to have the time?”

“It’s quarter to 4.”

“Why thank you my good man.” He gives me the same look again as I stroll out from under the awning, feeling the rain almost immediately drench the top of my head. I leave the cigarette dangling from my lips and make my way down the street. Ten steps away a taxi driving by splashes water up onto the sidewalk, soaking my legs and shoes. “This cursed city, no one knows how to drive, I swear.”

I continue down the sidewalk, feeling my shoes squish with every step. The rain has already soaked through every layer I’m wearing, and I begin to shiver.

“You’ll catch your death of cold out here sweetie.” I hear from a nearby doorway.

“Excuse me?”

“Why don’t you come in here, we’ll get you warmed up.” The hooker is obviously desperate for money, I look like I haven’t slept in months, which is probably true, I’ve lost count…

“That would be wonderful my dear, my deepest gratitude.”

“Don’t mention it sweetie, come on up.” She says as she starts to ascend the rickety looking staircase in the building.

As I climb up after her, I catch the sounds of domestic violence, reality television, and other ladies plying their trade coming from the various rooms. She stops in front of a door that looks like it’s been kicked down more times than locked, and pushes it open. Turning as she steps inside, she unzips her jacket and tosses it aside. Her clothing is frayed, almost falling off in certain places, although I doubt that is a hindrance in her line of work.

“Can I get you a drink sweetie?”

“I never touch alcohol, it weakens the mind.”

“Mmmm, worried about having a weak mind are we?”

“Always madam, the mind is the sharpest and most important tool in my arsenal…” As I speak I shut the door behind me, and twist the lock shut. “And it should never be misused.”

“Oh don’t worry about the door sweetie, no one will bother us.”

“Even the same, I prefer my privacy.”

“Suit yourself.” She smiles, pouring herself a glass of clear liquid from a bottle sitting on the table. She downs the drink in one gulp and smiles at me again. “So, how do you like it sweetie?”

I brush some unidentifiable food leftovers off of a chair and sit down. “If you would be so kind to come here….”

She walks over, swinging one leg over my lap and straddling me. “Oh, like this? Mmmmm…” She licks her lips, a rather pathetic attempt at seduction and begins to uselessly grind against me. As she does so my hand slips down my own leg, sliding my pant leg up and pulling my trusty icepick out.

“Mmmm… do you like that…” She begins to say, but before she speaks another syllable I slip the icepick into her spine, severing the nerves there, and twist it, ripping tendon, muscle, and tissue. Her mouth continues to move, but no sound comes out, her eyes wide from shock.

“Now now dear, we can’t have you to trying to rut with me like a dog now can we? It’s a perversion of humanity, like the rest of the filth in this little portal to hell.” I slide the icepick out and push her off of me. She lands on her back, still in shock. I bend over her, staring into her wide, probably unseeing eyes. “So, lets fix your little problem shall we?”

Jack the Ripper would have been proud of my work this day…

That’s about all for tonight. My back is killing me (I think I pulled a muscle) so I think I may lay down or something. Later.

~Ian

This came to mind while watching movies while extremely bored last night. It’s the same character as the first (at least in my mind it is) but it reads a little differently. Enjoy.

“Mother fucker do you want to die?”

I glance up at the man, my fingers wrapping around the grip of the Sig P220 .45 inside my jacket. “Excuse me?”

“Are you deaf too? I said get the fuck out of the car and give me the keys and your wallet.”

“Ah yes… that.” I turn the car off and open the door, palming the keys as I do so. “Not a very good car though, stalls if you accelerate too quickly, and the…”

“Shut the fuck up and give me the keys bitch.”

“I left them in the ignition for you.”

He laughs, a deep, booming laugh and pushes me backwards, pulling the door the rest of the way open and getting into the car. “Your wallet too.”

“Yeah sure, it’s in my jacket…” I reach into my jacket, wrapping my fingers around the grip of my gun again.

“What the fuck, the keys aren’t in he…”

Before he finishes speaking I punch him in the throat with my keys sticking out from between my fingers. As he starts to choke, I pull my gun out and tap it against the side of his head. “You picked the wrong person to fuck with, ‘mother fucker’.”

“Freeze! Put the gun down!”

“Oh… hello officer.”

“I said put the gun down!”

“Of course.” I say and set the gun down on the ground.

“Step away from the car.”

“If you would let me explain officer, this man was trying to steal my car, I was simply defending myself.”

“Shut up, get on your knees, and put your hands behind your head.”

“I am only trying to explain officer, if you would look at my license and registration, you’ll see that this car belongs to me and the gentleman sitting inside was trying to rob me. Also, he needs an ambulance…”

“Holy shit, he’s bleeding everywhere.” As the officer looks into the car, I slide the icepick out from my pant leg and stab him in the knee. As he topples and begins to scream I stab him in the throat and stand up.

“Tisk tisk, you should have let me explain.” I wipe the icepick off on his uniform and toss it in my car. The would-be car jacker has already bled to death in my front seat, so I open the door and pull him out. “And your luck ran out a while ago.”

As I start to drive away I remember the remote sitting in the passenger seat. “Oh yes…” I flip the switch on it as I turn the corner, and smile as I hear the explosion. “Ah, too bad they wont know that the bodies were desecrated before the explosion…”

There ya go, more brain fodder.

~Ian

I got bored earlier and this popped into my head… Don’t ask why.

I light my cigarette as I hear the “squelch” noise of his head head hitting the sidewalk at terminal velocity. “Hmmm… Love is a tricky thing.” I mutter out loud, though none of the gawkers on the street hearing me. They are too busy snapping photos of a man’s shattered body with their cell phones. I continue to stroll away, no one noticing the blood on my shoes, and hum tunelessly to myself.

“Excuse me sir?” I hear a young voice call from behind. I pretend not to hear the boy and kept walking. “Sir, you dropped this.” I feel a tug on the bag of my jacket and turn around to see a young boy holding my lighter out to me.

“Oh, why thank you, my young man.” I flash him a grin and he jerks back a tiny bit, the black circles under my eyes and over-all haggard look I have probably startling him. I take the lighter from his hand and fish a dollar bill out of my pocket – it has a small blood stain on it but he probably wont notice. “For your troubles.” I smile again and he runs off.

As I turn to walk away again I notice that I forgot to pull Mr. Toshiro’s pants back up before hanging him out of his 15^th floor apartment balcony. “Whoops.” I think to myself and continue on my way. It will be a while before they discover that he was sodomized with a broomstick before hung out his window with a fraying electrical cord anyway. Interestingly, it took about 10 minutes for his weight to break the cord and send him screaming down slightly over 150 feet to the sidewalk below… I had guessed 8. Guess I lost 5 bucks to myself… Oh well.

Amusingly, it’s exactly 300 words. I need to knock another 200 before I go to sleep I guess… Though I’m not sure I have anything left in my noggin…

~Ian

“(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight” by Cutting Crew

What? You disagree? You think “Endless Love” or “Every Breath You Take” is better? Okay… “Every Breath You Take” is bloody awesome, because honestly, who can beat Sting… But seriously, no, out of the miriad of songs released in the 1980’s, IJDIYAT is by far the best.

Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you.

It’s sappy as hell. The hook (”I just died in your arms tonight”) came to the singer while he was having sex with his girlfriend (death being a euphamism for orgasm… which if taken literally is pretty nasty, “I just came IN your arms…”). Seriously, does a song get anymore romantic than that? (Don’t answer that). So, beat that Sting! (Okay, so you did, nevermind). (Click here for the info on the whole sex thing…)

Now. Musically you might say “Oh, the songs not that good, it’s actually kind of crappy.” But, I disagree. If it had been anymore musically complex it would have detracted too much from the important message in the lyrics (Being, “Hey, I just came in your arms”… wait… And of course who could forget the amazing line “the curtains are closed, the cat’s in the cradle.” Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t keep my cat in a cradle, I let him wander of his own accord. Unless of course you don’t want the cat jumping up on the bed while you’re screwing, in which case maybe putting it in a cradle is a good idea (more like a cage, as I don’t know many cats that couldn’t just jump out of a cradle).

But seriously, besides that one line I’m not too sure about, it’s a rather well written song about… fucking someone you love. I approve. Hey, maybe it doesn’t match up with “Every Breath You Take”… or pretty much any of the songs written by Queen or Pink Floyd or a few other bands from the 80s… but it’s still an awesome song. For some reason it comes on the radio almost every time I walk into 711, and I get strange looks when I start singing (loudly) along with it. Plus there have been some awesome covers (okay not really, almost all the covers of the song suck) and AMV’s made from it (I’m thinking specifically of the very short AMV set to Cowboy Bebop in AMVHell 3, watch it, it’s awesome). And lets not forget the music video. Hot girl in lingerie? Check. Stereotypical looking 80’s band? Check. Graveyard? Check… wait, what? Observe!

Watch the video, it kicks ass.

So as I was saying. It may not REALLY be the best song of the 80s, but it is awesome. And it was #1 on the charts for 2 weeks when it was released in the US… not that that means much.

Btw, if you are wondering what spawned this random rant…

Now go listen to more power ballads!

~Ian

Read this over at Penny-Arcade, and I had to share…

Gabriel and Kara are thinking about moving, but only one of them is approaching things with the correct amount of dread. It is almost impossible to find a home these days which is not some unholy conduit - a winking anus of evil that acts as a revolving door for hell’s starveling dead. But a hollowed-out ghoul in shredded wedding gown doesn’t need to be a dealbreaker. Don’t let a sundered soul turn your dream home into a nightmare charnel house!

Basic research is critical. For example: if you’re moving into what was once an old farmstead, it’s even odds that a failed fertility ritual resulted in darkness unending for an unsuspecting bride. Where do you think those prize pumpkins come from? Here’s a hint: it ain’t Miracle-Gro.

Make Yourself A Vessel For Unlife. Probably don’t need to explain that one; it’s pretty straightforward. Sixth son of a priest, bound in silver chains, etc.

After that, you simply Perform The Forbidden Ritual. Prick your ring finger with mistletoe, and with the help of a necromancer wed the lonely spectre in blasphemous reverse marriage ceremony. It’s best to perform this one during the Winter Solstice, when our realm and the next brush against one another.

So yeah…

… yeah.

And I watched Evil Dead 2 today. Woot.

~Ian

WATCH IT!
~Ian

Warren Ellis posted pictures of both Brandon and myself in his Friday Telescreen.

ME! - Middle column second row down.

BRANDON! - Right column third row down.

Yay!

~Ian

And we love Warren Ellis.

A Friday Telescreen

Tomorrow, I’m posting nothing but self-portraits of the readers of this site. Take a self-portrait and email it to warrenellis [at] gmail.com. Making no promises about being able to post them all, but I’ll run as many good ones as I can.

So Warren Ellis wants our pictures. Give them to him!

~Ian